Feeling it

Some time ago I wanted to buy a collar for myself, a nice sturdy leather collar with a ring for a leash. Out of curiosity, and a twinge of hope that one day i would need a play collar, and because it looked so pretty..
So I went into the petshop where i go every week, and hiding a bit behind the cabinets fitted and measured various dogcollars.
Then, from over my shoulder, the shoplady asked: For what kind of dog is it?
I startled and blushed, not even thinking of making up an excuse i mumbled: well hm.. it is not for a dog... She looked at me, grinned and said: Lets go look in the catalogue :D
One week later it had arrived, with matching leash, and i posted a pic here with me wearing it.. I wore it then and never again...

And then last week.. sitting on my knees, Him rummiging in my suitcase, whistling and going ooh and hm interesting.. He pulled out the collar and put it on me, tighter then i thought it was and told me: now you are Dressed. And i felt it. I needed nothing more.
Before He left he asked me if i would wear the collar during the night, loving the idea of me dressing for Him.
So I did, and the next night and the next. When I walk into my bedroom i see it waiting on my pillow.
When i put it on i am aware of Him.
When i wake up in the night and feel it, I am aware of Him
When i get up in the morning i wait a while before taking it off, because it connects me to Him.

It is the collar I bought for myself, but I wear it for Him.
It is not the collar I wear, it is the awareness I feel because of it.
I am aware.
and I am really really feeling it

xx

No means No

With a smile and a handkiss I said goodnight on Skype,
but afterwards i felt the kiss was meant for myself.
Because i said no.
No i won't show my boobs.
No I will not undress for you.
No i am not touching myself to feel if i am wet.
No am not a slut.
No I am not boring.
Yes i am a sub, but not just anyone's.
No means No.
No is RED

Misconceptions

 I had the misconception that subspace was

something that happened when you got:

spanked

flogged

whipped

tortured

broken

used hard

fucked senseless

gangbanged

Dominated for hours on end until you thought there was no end to it

and more...

BUT

it seems all I need is

some rope

in the hands

of a man

who knows how

to handle it

I rest my case

The rope

'Would you like to try?' he asked. I took a deep breath and nodded, the scent and feel of the small bundle of jute intruiging me.
A myriad of thoughts ran through my mind, about showing my less then perfect body, the chronical tension that always causes me to fidget, the lack of patience, coming straight from work and probably wearing smelly socks and and and...
I undressed only the top half of my body and stood there while he prepared his ropes, and got started..
Oh boy..
The feel of the jute on my skin, the sound when it was pulled over and under itself, the earthly clean smell of the rope, even the light thud when the ends dropped on the floor, the way i was gently pushed and pulled and bound tight..
It felt like a ceremony, a tea-ceremony maybe, only without the tea..
Every move and motion made me slip deeper into peace and quiet..
His gentle care guided me and helped me lose my distracting thoughts and inhibitions and i could simply enjoy the balance of giving up my body and receiving liberation.
With my arms on my back he helped me lay down on my belly, tied my legs, connected them to my ams and then also tied my hair causing my head to be pulled back towards my back and feet..
Now i had seen this postion before, on pictures and paintings and always wondered how the women could stand being so uncomfortable, but instead i relaxed.. i could let go, at last.. I probed around a bit inside myself, and found that, in being immobilised, i was released from 'having to' and i let go a bit more.. and more.. and more.. I flew.
And i still do, knowing this is out there waiting for me...

The first time

There is a first time for everything.
Walking, whistling, making love..
Or kneeling, being blindfolded, offering your wrists to be cuffed..

Yesterday I had my first scene, and I am still coming back to earth a bit I think.
A coffee date with a Dom on sunday morning and maybe even the feel of a flogger.. my thoughts had not gone beyond that. But from the moment we met I felt safe and at ease, and I knew that whatever happened, it would be fine.
And oh boy it was!

The rings on my wall were finally used, as quite a few of the toys in my suitcase, my homemade floggers, and several of His too.
For the first time I felt that balance for real, where He was dishing out and have me take it, and at the same time I had the control in that it was I who set the boundaries..
I have been flogged, hugged, spanked, kissed, slapped, cuddled.. I crawled on my knees, was put in the corner.. and many more things I will keep for myself and remember with a smile..
I have cried a lot, not from pain but from intense emotions.

Some moments keep coming back to me, like where I was standing in  a corner, in the dark, bare feet on stone floor and hands in my neck.. and I felt this immense peace. I had asked for a break and He told me to go and stand there, and after some minutes I realized that it was just what I needed.. not a coffee and a cigaret, but just.. being there, because He told me so.. I submitted to Him, but He gave me what I needed.. again the balance.

Do you remember the first time you made love? And the next day you think everyone can tell by looking at you? That’s how I feel today!
I am so grateful to this Man, the care He showed in ensuring my first time was as good as it could be.

I have marks and muscle ache, my body hurts but my spirit soars...
Humbled and Proud and Happy
Bliss

The first time

There is a first time for everything.

Walking, whistling, making love..

Or kneeling, being blindfolded, offering your wrists to be cuffed..

Yesterday I had my first scene, and I am still coming back to earth a bit I think.

A coffee date with a Dom on sunday morning and maybe even the feel of a flogger.. my thoughts had not gone beyond that. But from the moment we met I felt safe and at ease, and I knew that whatever happened, it would be fine.

And oh boy it was!

The rings on my wall were finally used, as quite a few of the toys in my suitcase, my homemade floggers, and several of His too.

For the first time I felt that balance for real, where He was dishing out and have me take it, and at the same time I had the control in that it was I who set the boundaries..

I have been flogged, hugged, spanked, kissed, slapped, cuddled.. I crawled on my knees, was put in the corner.. and many more things I will keep for myself and remember with a smile..

I have cried a lot, not from pain but from intense emotions.

Some moments keep coming back to me, like where I was standing in a corner, in the dark, bare feet on stone floor and hands in my neck.. and I felt this immense peace. I had asked for a break and He told me to go and stand there, and after some minutes I realized that it was just what I needed.. not a coffee and a cigaret, but just.. being there, because He told me so.. I submitted to Him, but He gave me what I needed.. again the balance.

Do you remember the first time you made love? And the next day you think everyone can tell by looking at you? That’s how I feel today!

I am so grateful to this Man, the care He showed in ensuring my first time was as good as it could be.

I have marks and muscle ache, my body hurts but my spirit soars...

Humbled and Proud and Happy

Bliss

Safeword

I safe-worded.. or to be more accurate, I almost safe-worded...
For the first time, outside of practicing, I reached a limit I did not know was there, panicked and pleaded for a break, wanting a breath, ready to make myself overcome that moment and submit further, even-though I knew it went beyond what I could handle...
And He didn't pause, He stopped.. took me in His arms, carried me to safety..
He recognized my limit, knew better then I did what was needed..
No He was not too rough, it was not pain, it was touching a part of my body that could not be touched, although I never realized that.. nobody did that to me before...

And through all His soothing and comforting words and motions, I felt utterly devastated, defeated by the body that carries me, the body and soul I offered Him. The wish and need to submit to all He wants from and for me, cut off by an incapable body... shame, anger at myself, sadness at having disappointed Him hurt me more than anything He would or could ever do to me...

It was a week ago today and slowly the theories and lessons I learned about using a safe-word start to sink in.
That it is for the good of both of us, for our balance and our relationship, to show he can trust me to not endanger myself, and therefore our bond...

But it took a bite out of me, gave me a scar that takes some time to heal I guess...
Telling myself I was fine all week, but surprised at how drained I felt, sleeping lots.. emotional.. insecurities...
and not until now I realize it is like a residue from that moment.. the cramp I felt, the refusal to say my RED...
Telling myself I did well, followed SSC and so on, and all the while feeling shame still.. failure..
I felt.. blemished.. and because of that, raised my guard.. and gave less of myself too...

And here is my lesson:
He is my Master
He told me I did well
He knows...
I will not doubt Him
I will let go and drop this barrier..
And re-submit
to Him