vrijdag 15 augustus 2014

Safeword

I safe-worded.. or to be more accurate, I almost safe-worded...
For the first time, outside of practicing, I reached a limit I did not know was there, panicked and pleaded for a break, wanting a breath, ready to make myself overcome that moment and submit further, even-though I knew it went beyond what I could handle...
And He didn't pause, He stopped.. took me in His arms, carried me to safety..
He recognized my limit, knew better then I did what was needed..
No He was not too rough, it was not pain, it was touching a part of my body that could not be touched, although I never realized that.. nobody did that to me before...

And through all His soothing and comforting words and motions, I felt utterly devastated, defeated by the body that carries me, the body and soul I offered Him. The wish and need to submit to all He wants from and for me, cut off by an incapable body... shame, anger at myself, sadness at having disappointed Him hurt me more than anything He would or could ever do to me...

It was a week ago today and slowly the theories and lessons I learned about using a safe-word start to sink in.
That it is for the good of both of us, for our balance and our relationship, to show he can trust me to not endanger myself, and therefore our bond...

But it took a bite out of me, gave me a scar that takes some time to heal I guess...
Telling myself I was fine all week, but surprised at how drained I felt, sleeping lots.. emotional.. insecurities...
and not until now I realize it is like a residue from that moment.. the cramp I felt, the refusal to say my RED...
Telling myself I did well, followed SSC and so on, and all the while feeling shame still.. failure..
I felt.. blemished.. and because of that, raised my guard.. and gave less of myself too...

And here is my lesson:
He is my Master
He told me I did well
He knows...
I will not doubt Him
I will let go and drop this barrier..
And re-submit
to Him








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