The Wall

This is the 5th week of my stay in the Chateau and it is time to see where i stand...

The first weeks where like being on a roller-coaster which had skipped off the rails.
Peace and quiet where what i expected to find here, boredom even, not two or three scenes a day.
Small attentions (that felt big) from people checking to see if i was doing alright, roses and kisses thrown over the castle walls.
it was and still is heartwarming.. and made me wonder when i would find the serenity and silence i so longed for..

I went into silence with great enthusiasm, knowing myself to be ready for this new phase, eager to learn about techniques and submission, and curious to see how deep i could and would go..

I did expect to break through some inner barriers, but it is only now, in the thick of things, that i realize once again:
the hardest thing about submission is submitting...
Not to the Masters, not to the canes and whips and the pain it brings.. when guided by the Masters of Austin i find it easy to let myself go. surprising myself by the depth of my submission.

Two events stand out, the demonstration with Master C with the needle, and the mandatory scene with Master A on Sadomasochism, I am still astonished about finding out i could and wanted to go even further then they intended with the scenes..
The wish to please and the need to conquer myself flow into one in submission, and i have never felt so fully alive, so humble and proud at the same time.

Now as I start week 5 I come up against the other kind of submission.. i need to conquer myself.. my self-built walls of protection.
I build them as a shield against pain and sadness, not realizing i locked other feelings inside as well, mostly self esteem.
And the wall is high, i must be very strong to build a wall like that!
A twinge of pride at that thought.. and with that feeling a block falls down, and then another.. a crack appears.

It is quiet now in the Chateau, I am here alone a lot. I have books to read, assignments to write and feelings to feel.
And i pulled up another wall: Panic.

Wiki says:
Panic is a sudden sensation of fear which is so strong as to dominate or prevent reason and logical thinking, replacing it with overwhelming feelings of anxiety and frantic agitation consistent with an animalistic fight-or-flight reaction. Panic may occur singularly in individuals or manifest suddenly in large groups as mass panic (closely related to herd behavior).

Why do i panic when there is no life threatening situation? Nothing and nobody here will harm me, I am safe, sheltered and cherished.
Goosebumps now as I write, realizing there is a threat after all..
The threat of breaking down my own walls, to tear down  the sense of security i have pulled up around myself which has damaged me way more than it has protected me.


Being in the Chateau is my choice, as everything is.
In the same way that bondage sets me free, the Chateau walls that shelter me help me conquer my own.
Oh yes I find it hard and difficult, but difficult has never stopped me from doing something, and I won't let it stop me now.
Yesterday for the first time since i arrived, i wanted to get out of here, i had enough of this struggle, wanted to scream and shout and do silly things, to take a break.. until i realized that it was a half-panic reaction.

I stay and fight. Or rather i stop the fight, stop defending my walls.
I submit, with a smile.

Who am I in D/s

Who am I in D/s

A few times now, i have had an experience with a man and another girl... once in rl, 3 times in sl..

I was surprised and a little shocked how easy it is for me to be dominant towards the other girl , taking the lead, making first moves, and securing the other girls pleasure before my own.

Where does this come from?

It gave me a slight panicky thought: Could i be a switch?

I can not imagine having a sub, it is just not me, i am the one who looks after others.. But isn't that what a Dom does too, i wondered?

I found this too hard to think about or consider and decided it came from submission too, the need to look after everyone is stronger than my own needs or wants are..

Or... is it a way to stop myself from feeling too deep, to allow myself to take, or be given?

Am i using them as a shield between me and my deepest emotional core?

The experiences in the chateau, especially the last week and a half have brought me new understanding.

In going deeper into submission, during a scene, whether it is sexually or not, i discovered that my core is indeed love.. for myself.. for the abilities that i have to please others, to make them feel good, and feel happiness because of that.

The cliche: love yourself before you love others comes to mind:

I have always thought it was the other way around for me, that by loving others, i could give myself more value and feel worthy of the love and care i received from them in return..

Oh boy , right now, while writing this it strikes me: it is the other way round!

I do love myself!

but i was so ashamed of that , that i buried it very deep... my core is not black.. my core is light and love..

Trauma's in my youth, f.i. being abandoned by my mother at the age of three, have made me believe there must be something very wrong with me.. i have let that weigh heavier then my own sense of being good.. shame: how can i think i am good when i am obviously not good enough for a mother to keep? How big-headed can you be to love yourself anyway?? So i pushed it out...

A disability, being bullied at school, somewhat more intelligent that average and finding it hard to connect with those around me...

I have subconsciously used all that to convince myself i was not worthy and struggled to make up for my worse then imperfection.. people told me how much they loved me and i believed them but thought: they can not see in me, cannot see what a perverted soul i have, they don't know any better...

So i gave myself, with abandon, to those who were wanting or needy for whatever they asked of me...

I have often said, when i go out dancing, it is the only time my body doesn't feel like a burden, but now i realize this is not true.. also when giving myself and my body to a man ( or sometimes a woman) i can let go of shame, heaviness and disability

My body is meant to be used.. not liking my own body, feeling ashamed of it, i have always given it freely and in joy for use, sl and rl.. i have felt embarrassed about that, but even that seems to fall into place now that i am beginning to know who i am.. the sense that this body doesn't fit me, is replaced by a feeling that my body is mine, to give in service ...

Who am I in D/s?

I think i just told you:

I am Me...

I found it..

Summary:


This morning, Master X took me to the wine-cellar for the mandatory scene on Discipline and Sadomasochism.
We had talked about this before, and he did a few scenes with me to help me prepare myself.
He told me to put on my cuffs, and suspended me from a beam on the ceiling, by my wrists only so i would hang free from all sides for easy access.. It also made me feel very open and exposed, and very vulnerable..
He started to warm me up, with the flogger.. i am more used to that now, and braced myself, but tried to let it sink in.. telling myself i could take this.. knowing i could in fact. I accepted and let it sink in, let myself sink to my deeper self and made myself go calmer and quieter..
I was doing ok, not fighting the pain but trying to take it for what it was, and it went well.
But it was when he whipped me, with a single tail whip that something happened, inside me.

I have done an experiment with hitting myself with a wooden spoon on my inner thighs the week before i went into the chateau, not sparing myself, i had bruises that lasted for almost a week, so i do have an idea of how pain there feels..

He whipped my back and shoulders, my bottom and the back of my legs and i welcomed it... pain for what it was, hot deep burning in my mind as well as my flesh.. And it was when he stepped away to look at me, that i felt a need.. i was not done..  i was not ready to stop yet.. I knew he would come to my front and wanted it, truly..
I was swinging  on the chains, the strikes moving my body as it hung there suspended and he stopped the motions by holding me by my crotch.. I heard myself tell him: yes please.. and it wasn't until i heard him answer, that i realized he thought i begged for sex.. but i was asking for more strikes...
He moved to the front of me, asking me if i wanted to feel the whip on my breasts and  I did. I truly did.

It was the first time i asked, begged to be struck again, because i wanted to, and not because it was expected of me
I felt a deep gratitude and pride and wonder as i realized I did not only submit to the Master, but also to myself, fully open and accepting.. this is what i am..

This was more than a mandatory scene, this was my awakening.

Thank You Master ...