dinsdag 17 december 2013


As a child I thought punishment was one fo the worst things that could happen to me... adoring my father (still do) I did all I could to prevent him from being disappointed in me.

I am still like that, I will always be good and gentle and helpfull, but I will slip up from time to time too...
There has been a shift inside of me though:
Where before i felt punishment was a mere accentuation of my fault or failure, I can now see it as doing penance and it helps me to move on without feeling guilt fester inside me...

The other day, I forgot about a rule.. nothing severe but still, the Master told me to sit facing the wall until he told me it was enough...
Oh dear, I was being punished!
How did it feel, He asked? I found that instead of the distance and the shame I always felt upon being corrected, it made me feel closer to Him.. It confirmed our bond.
We talked about it and he mentioned something he would really dislike, telling me:
If you would do that, I wouldn't even bother punishing you.

Tears in my eyes, shock at the thought alone!
It would mean he wouldn't care anymore, that he couldn't be bothered...

Oh yes, I will be good, I will be whatever he needs me to be, 
and try to ensure that he doesn't HAVE to, but still WANTS to punish me...

vrijdag 13 december 2013

A word from a Friend...

Dear Masters and Girls and A/all of you,

I have spent the last few days with RL friends, who are very important to me...
Bright people, with a great heart, and always working to help people grow and develop, when needed.

They have known me for a long time, with long pauses in between sometimes, but we are like family.
The moment i stepped through the door Monday morning, they noticed a difference in me. I walk , talk, radiate confidence, is what they said...

I told them what i do and found here, what i have found within myself, about submission, about D/s...
And somewhere in the middle of our conversation, Bart got up, took me in a BIG bear hug, and said Welcome home, at last!

He asked me to Thank Y/you all and I promised I would, so here it is:
From the bottom of his heart: THANK YOU!!!

with love, from them and me,


woensdag 27 november 2013


The pleasure of pain

For weeks already, I wrestled with myself, not understanding how I would ever get to like pain, which seemed necessary for a D/s relationship...
What was it, that subs want to be hurt, and Doms like to hurt the ones they claim to love so much?
I just couldn’t get it working in that brain of mine...

Again a click, an insight that lifted a weight of my shoulders, the heaviest so far...
It is not about being hurt, or about hurting...
It is about willingness to endure, how much will I be able to give, to give up...
It must be amazing for a Dom to see, what a sub will do to please him, to surrender..
It is not the actual pain that pleases, but the submission , that is shown in a way that is incomparable to anything else...

And so I finally understand the connection between pleasure and pain, and am curious, yes eager even, to find out my willingness and ability to submit...

dinsdag 26 november 2013


In my short D/s life I have been released twice, both times for good reasons, but both very different experiences. Neither was fun.. What is it that causes the sad, or even depressing, feelings by an action I knew I wanted or needed?

My first collar was meant for fun, just messing around with pixels on the screen and it was fun for both of us, but more for me. I had no clue about my submissiveness, but I knew I would get hurt if I kept playing like this, so I told the man I wanted to stop and be uncollared. He understood and unlocked.
I wanted it, it was my decision, but.
I felt completely lost, lonely and indecisive as what to do about it. Truth be told, I didn't even understand what was wrong with me....

That is when I met Master Secret, who set me on my path in the right direction, and who gave me a Collar of Protection. I needed to go out into the world of D/s and, with his collar, I would be less attractive to predators. So when I decided on joining Austin, we had a good long talk about it, and he told me he would release me the very moment my training started, so I would be able to freely learn to serve, and be with, the Masters at Austin. I knew from the start that he would not stay “my” Master and I also knew it was needed for me to move onto my own path, so to speak. But I felt so sad, and so disloyal, not the almost devastation I felt the first time but, this time, more for him feeling I threw something away and it was my own fault...

So now I am wondering: is  the feeling of being released different from breaking up in a vanilla relationship? And if so, in what way?

What I have come to understand is, that the questioning of one's submissiveness is one of the most difficult things a sub has to deal with. Whether, or not, release occurs from the side of the Master or Dom,  the sub needs to cope not only with the loss of a lover, partner or spouse, but also has to try to re-find her own submission. Doubts about whether she failed as a sub seem to occur often and that is something that is very hard to overcome. Just as in vanilla relationships it is a time to readjust to being single, to rebuild a life for yourself and regain your independence and self-esteem. However, there is one major issue that makes it extra hard for us subs and that is our need to be dominated, disciplined, guided.. We feel best when we can submit, it is fulfilling, healing, it balances us and it is just that which we are deprived of after release.

Is there anything we can do to live through release as unscathed as possible?
Always communicate, however hard it may seem at times. Talk through what causes the need for release and don't ask for it in a spur of the moment, when emotions might get in the way of common sense.
Take the time for the release moment itself, make a ritual of it, so both have the chance to feel that the release has indeed happened with the utmost care.
Ask someone you can trust if they are willing to become your protector so you will not be such an easy prey while you are wounded and vulnerable.
And talk - to us, your peers. Stay in touch with the community, and realize you are not alone, in your feelings or in this world...

zondag 24 november 2013

A Gift

It struck me today, as i cycled through the forest, thinking about all that has befallen me lately..
After my last disastrous  relationship, I thought: no more. never again do I want to be given this feeling of being unworthy, of being unequal, of being a burden...

I am happy with my home, my family and friends, my cats... and it is so much easier to be happy with myself this way too... I chose to be single!
The underlying and surpressed feeling however, is the one that says:
you have nothing to offer...  not rich, not a model, not a sports person etc
It has been my way always to focus on other peoples good sides and my bad ones...

but today I realised I do have something to offer. Something that can never be bought or taken.
It is priceless and treasured beyond measure in the hands of one worthy to receive it:

My Gift:


zaterdag 23 november 2013

How it started:

Master Secret and me 

I have a saying above my computer desk so I can look at it often:
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference

When I first saw his profile I found it there too, only his said: you must, instead of : grant me...

Master Secret came into my life at the moment I needed him most. I had a short experience with a would be Dom, who was friendly but didn’t have a clue what he was doing. He slapped some prim shibari ropes on me, and a collar, and we had 3 days of fun kinky sex... more or less... But I realized something was happening inside me, it wasn’t a game, and I was going to get hurt, as sweet as he was. I told him I needed to stop, he said ok, and unlocked my collar.

Oh the hole I fell into, how could the release of a play toy hurt and depress me so? I felt lost and almost desperate, knowing I was at some major turningpoint in my life, but with no idea of where to start...

I met Master Secret on a small house-party, I had never seen him before and his profile intrigued me.
After a little chitchat, he told me he has a dominant personality, and talking a bit more I felt strangely comforted by this man, who was firm in his beliefs, but did not once mention anything to do with sex, no innuendo even. What kind of Dom was this? I thought to myself...

And so started my journey into D/s.
Master Secret took me under his wing, showing me in a gentle and patient way what it was like to serve.
He made me remember his favorite poses, the things he liked and did not, and I felt strangely soothed by his dominating presence. Never harsh, strict yes, but the only tears I cried were the ones shed from overwhelming insights, and the first barriers he made me conquer. He pushed me to describe my feelings and test and explore my intuitive side.

And he sent me out into the sl world of D/s. Austin, VdO, Omega, Sweet Domination and a few more sims. Go and explore, but whatever you do, don't participate! is what he told me.
We talked about a collar. Don't see a collar as a goal, he said, it will distract you from what you need to learn, let your craving for a collar not get in the way...
We talked about it some more, and I asked him to collar me anyway, so I could honestly say I was owned, when men came onto me and need not lie. And he did, telling me he would never hold me to it, that it wouldn’t be fair to me, so new to D/s to be claimed straight away. The only restriction was on intimacy, again for my protection.
He made me read things, and tell him about what I learned later. He made me research, about the meaning of poses is bdsm for example. And mostly he helped me discover my real thoughts and feelings about D/s and my place in that.
He was ever only concerned about my welfare, even the intimate little scenes we played, very much vanilla, were more to relieve my tension, than for his pleasure, and when I said so, he would reply: my time will come, don't worry...
Only once I did a scene for his pleasure, he merely looked and guided a sweet girlfriend of mine and myself to loving and making love to each-other, while he watched. We talked in voice and watched the monitor “together” so to speak... besides being a gentle and capable mentor, he was a hottie too:)

He punished me once, although corrected may be a better term... I kept typing in wrong chat, and he made me pull my ear in rl.. hard!
I was so surprised to find that I actually did it, and to feel my chronic feelings of guilt lifted! I made a mistake, I payed, done, I could move on. Absolutely amazed I was, by the power of such a small disciplinary action.
And so several weeks past and I grew closer to Austin and the people there, explored the other places too, but when I told him I decided to apply for the training at Austin, he told me I did well, and was happy I found my place in things.
You will stay under my collar until the moment your training starts there, no sooner and no later. I will continue to keep an eye out for you. And again, I feel he said these things mainly because he knew I was fighting with feelings of disloyalty to him.
We talk every now and again, or I wave and send hugs and kisses, and ever smiling I get his responses.
It was strange, removing him as owner, but that is another story...

I have been very lucky I ran into this man, at such a vulnerable moment in my life, and I have been aware of that from day one.
A true Master
My lottery-ticket
The real deal
My friend and protector
All that and more for me, in three words:

Master Secret Genesis

vrijdag 22 november 2013

Checking in...

Yes I am a Dom, said he, and slapped some prim ropes on me and a collar... It was fun and exciting, and after 3 days I realized I was going to get hurt, a lot, if I proceeded with this game in my virtual world.
So we talked and he released me, all in friendship and no hard feelings we told eachother.

And then I tripped.. no, I fell... no, I plummeted into this big black hole, I felt lost and confused, naked even, without that symbolic collar...

Since then a lot has happened, I was lucky enough to run into a man who I believe is a true Master, and who did all he could to set me off on my journey in D/s.
The virtual world SecondLife is my tool to explore and travel, in touch with others  and in touch with myself as never before, and who knows, maybe one day i will take it into the so-called real world as well.

One thing I know for sure, my travels have started, i have checked in on the Subway...