In my short D/s life I have been released twice, both times for good reasons, but both very different experiences. Neither was fun.. What is it that causes the sad, or even depressing, feelings by an action I knew I wanted or needed?
My first collar was meant for fun, just messing around with pixels on the screen and it was fun for both of us, but more for me. I had no clue about my submissiveness, but I knew I would get hurt if I kept playing like this, so I told the man I wanted to stop and be uncollared. He understood and unlocked.
I wanted it, it was my decision, but.
I felt completely lost, lonely and indecisive as what to do about it. Truth be told, I didn't even understand what was wrong with me....
That is when I met Master Secret, who set me on my path in the right direction, and who gave me a Collar of Protection. I needed to go out into the world of D/s and, with his collar, I would be less attractive to predators. So when I decided on joining Austin, we had a good long talk about it, and he told me he would release me the very moment my training started, so I would be able to freely learn to serve, and be with, the Masters at Austin. I knew from the start that he would not stay “my” Master and I also knew it was needed for me to move onto my own path, so to speak. But I felt so sad, and so disloyal, not the almost devastation I felt the first time but, this time, more for him feeling I threw something away and it was my own fault...
So now I am wondering: is the feeling of being released different from breaking up in a vanilla relationship? And if so, in what way?
What I have come to understand is, that the questioning of one's submissiveness is one of the most difficult things a sub has to deal with. Whether, or not, release occurs from the side of the Master or Dom, the sub needs to cope not only with the loss of a lover, partner or spouse, but also has to try to re-find her own submission. Doubts about whether she failed as a sub seem to occur often and that is something that is very hard to overcome. Just as in vanilla relationships it is a time to readjust to being single, to rebuild a life for yourself and regain your independence and self-esteem. However, there is one major issue that makes it extra hard for us subs and that is our need to be dominated, disciplined, guided.. We feel best when we can submit, it is fulfilling, healing, it balances us and it is just that which we are deprived of after release.
Is there anything we can do to live through release as unscathed as possible?
Always communicate, however hard it may seem at times. Talk through what causes the need for release and don't ask for it in a spur of the moment, when emotions might get in the way of common sense.
Take the time for the release moment itself, make a ritual of it, so both have the chance to feel that the release has indeed happened with the utmost care.
Ask someone you can trust if they are willing to become your protector so you will not be such an easy prey while you are wounded and vulnerable.
And talk - to us, your peers. Stay in touch with the community, and realize you are not alone, in your feelings or in this world...