I found it..

Summary:


This morning, Master X took me to the wine-cellar for the mandatory scene on Discipline and Sadomasochism.
We had talked about this before, and he did a few scenes with me to help me prepare myself.
He told me to put on my cuffs, and suspended me from a beam on the ceiling, by my wrists only so i would hang free from all sides for easy access.. It also made me feel very open and exposed, and very vulnerable..
He started to warm me up, with the flogger.. i am more used to that now, and braced myself, but tried to let it sink in.. telling myself i could take this.. knowing i could in fact. I accepted and let it sink in, let myself sink to my deeper self and made myself go calmer and quieter..
I was doing ok, not fighting the pain but trying to take it for what it was, and it went well.
But it was when he whipped me, with a single tail whip that something happened, inside me.

I have done an experiment with hitting myself with a wooden spoon on my inner thighs the week before i went into the chateau, not sparing myself, i had bruises that lasted for almost a week, so i do have an idea of how pain there feels..

He whipped my back and shoulders, my bottom and the back of my legs and i welcomed it... pain for what it was, hot deep burning in my mind as well as my flesh.. And it was when he stepped away to look at me, that i felt a need.. i was not done..  i was not ready to stop yet.. I knew he would come to my front and wanted it, truly..
I was swinging  on the chains, the strikes moving my body as it hung there suspended and he stopped the motions by holding me by my crotch.. I heard myself tell him: yes please.. and it wasn't until i heard him answer, that i realized he thought i begged for sex.. but i was asking for more strikes...
He moved to the front of me, asking me if i wanted to feel the whip on my breasts and  I did. I truly did.

It was the first time i asked, begged to be struck again, because i wanted to, and not because it was expected of me
I felt a deep gratitude and pride and wonder as i realized I did not only submit to the Master, but also to myself, fully open and accepting.. this is what i am..

This was more than a mandatory scene, this was my awakening.

Thank You Master ...