This is the 5th week of my stay in the Chateau and it is time to see where i stand...
The first weeks where like being on a roller-coaster which had skipped off the rails.
Peace and quiet where what i expected to find here, boredom even, not two or three scenes a day.
Small attentions (that felt big) from people checking to see if i was doing alright, roses and kisses thrown over the castle walls.
it was and still is heartwarming.. and made me wonder when i would find the serenity and silence i so longed for..
I went into silence with great enthusiasm, knowing myself to be ready for this new phase, eager to learn about techniques and submission, and curious to see how deep i could and would go..
I did expect to break through some inner barriers, but it is only now, in the thick of things, that i realize once again:
the hardest thing about submission is submitting...
Not to the Masters, not to the canes and whips and the pain it brings.. when guided by the Masters of Austin i find it easy to let myself go. surprising myself by the depth of my submission.
Two events stand out, the demonstration with Master C with the needle, and the mandatory scene with Master A on Sadomasochism, I am still astonished about finding out i could and wanted to go even further then they intended with the scenes..
The wish to please and the need to conquer myself flow into one in submission, and i have never felt so fully alive, so humble and proud at the same time.
Now as I start week 5 I come up against the other kind of submission.. i need to conquer myself.. my self-built walls of protection.
I build them as a shield against pain and sadness, not realizing i locked other feelings inside as well, mostly self esteem.
And the wall is high, i must be very strong to build a wall like that!
A twinge of pride at that thought.. and with that feeling a block falls down, and then another.. a crack appears.
It is quiet now in the Chateau, I am here alone a lot. I have books to read, assignments to write and feelings to feel.
And i pulled up another wall: Panic.
Panic is a sudden sensation of fear which is so strong as to dominate or prevent reason and logical thinking, replacing it with overwhelming feelings of anxiety and frantic agitation consistent with an animalistic fight-or-flight reaction. Panic may occur singularly in individuals or manifest suddenly in large groups as mass panic (closely related to herd behavior).
Why do i panic when there is no life threatening situation? Nothing and nobody here will harm me, I am safe, sheltered and cherished.
Goosebumps now as I write, realizing there is a threat after all..
The threat of breaking down my own walls, to tear down the sense of security i have pulled up around myself which has damaged me way more than it has protected me.
Being in the Chateau is my choice, as everything is.
In the same way that bondage sets me free, the Chateau walls that shelter me help me conquer my own.
Oh yes I find it hard and difficult, but difficult has never stopped me from doing something, and I won't let it stop me now.
Yesterday for the first time since i arrived, i wanted to get out of here, i had enough of this struggle, wanted to scream and shout and do silly things, to take a break.. until i realized that it was a half-panic reaction.
I stay and fight. Or rather i stop the fight, stop defending my walls.
I submit, with a smile.