Who am I in D/s
A few times now, i have had an experience with a man and another girl... once in rl, 3 times in sl..
I was surprised and a little shocked how easy it is for me to be dominant towards the other girl , taking the lead, making first moves, and securing the other girls pleasure before my own.
Where does this come from?
It gave me a slight panicky thought: Could i be a switch?
I can not imagine having a sub, it is just not me, i am the one who looks after others.. But isn't that what a Dom does too, i wondered?
I found this too hard to think about or consider and decided it came from submission too, the need to look after everyone is stronger than my own needs or wants are..
Or... is it a way to stop myself from feeling too deep, to allow myself to take, or be given?
Am i using them as a shield between me and my deepest emotional core?
The experiences in the chateau, especially the last week and a half have brought me new understanding.
In going deeper into submission, during a scene, whether it is sexually or not, i discovered that my core is indeed love.. for myself.. for the abilities that i have to please others, to make them feel good, and feel happiness because of that.
The cliche: love yourself before you love others comes to mind:
I have always thought it was the other way around for me, that by loving others, i could give myself more value and feel worthy of the love and care i received from them in return..
Oh boy , right now, while writing this it strikes me: it is the other way round!
I do love myself!
but i was so ashamed of that , that i buried it very deep... my core is not black.. my core is light and love..
Trauma's in my youth, f.i. being abandoned by my mother at the age of three, have made me believe there must be something very wrong with me.. i have let that weigh heavier then my own sense of being good.. shame: how can i think i am good when i am obviously not good enough for a mother to keep? How big-headed can you be to love yourself anyway?? So i pushed it out...
A disability, being bullied at school, somewhat more intelligent that average and finding it hard to connect with those around me...
I have subconsciously used all that to convince myself i was not worthy and struggled to make up for my worse then imperfection.. people told me how much they loved me and i believed them but thought: they can not see in me, cannot see what a perverted soul i have, they don't know any better...
So i gave myself, with abandon, to those who were wanting or needy for whatever they asked of me...
I have often said, when i go out dancing, it is the only time my body doesn't feel like a burden, but now i realize this is not true.. also when giving myself and my body to a man ( or sometimes a woman) i can let go of shame, heaviness and disability
My body is meant to be used.. not liking my own body, feeling ashamed of it, i have always given it freely and in joy for use, sl and rl.. i have felt embarrassed about that, but even that seems to fall into place now that i am beginning to know who i am.. the sense that this body doesn't fit me, is replaced by a feeling that my body is mine, to give in service ...
Who am I in D/s?
I think i just told you:
I am Me...